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After years of gaslighting and abuse, I know how to play this game very well. I never wanted to do that, but it can be useful, because sometimes gaslighting a gaslighter is the only effective way to make them leave you alone. I know that in the current world, where so called democracy and capitalism are so important and everyone should participate and be a good citizen. I come from another background, where all citizens, as these days, were manipulated and lied to by their governments (nothing new here either). The oppression lasted decades, for the generation of my parents, almost their whole lifetime.

What is also good, along all the lies were were taught at school, is that you learn how to tell the difference between the propaganda and the reality you have to live in. Everyone had to get through that. Some perished, but some learnt from it. For many years I was naively thinking that all that was the thing of the past - the events of the last twenty years across the world proved me wrong. These days it’s very easy to be lulled into believing that everyone is equal, there are no wars, and that many governments will want the best for their citizens. Open your eyes, if you haven’t yet.

We are living in the world that is full of opportunists who want to get rich quickly, over dead bodies, no matter what the cost is. It is often easier to be oblivious and ignorant. I am neither, and I have been trained by the system I happened to be born into, alongside millions of others, who had no other choice either. These days, I happen to live in an environment, where most people have a choice, especially when it comes to living their life in peace. But sometimes they make a choice - a bad one, because something drives them and allows them to justify their bad actions. No matter what your line of thought here is, but if you are hurting others deliberately, and you have had many chances to learn this and rectify it, but yet you chose to carry on, you will perhaps benefit from a lesson or two.

I am not going to watch other people suffer. I will make sure they know what is happening to them. It will not be always easy to accept, but it will show them that they also have other choices to make. Some will be prepared to defend themselves and also others.

My childhood was not as bad all the time - I was surrounded by people who cared and who knew how to protect me. When they couldn’t protect me from bullies, I had to figure this out myself. We all had to learn a lot. Behind the Iron Curtain, you had to accept your reality and get on with it - there was no other way. That can either make you or break you. I am definitely not broken, so to the gaslighters I’d say this: expect the unexpected.

Page 7

I don’t believe that trying to always be positive is a good strategy in life. Things will happen, as they do. Bad things. Can you cheer yourself up when you’re in the middle of that? How hard is it to smile and be cheerful when someone very close to you dies. Not everything is always as grim as this. Other bad things still happen. You can pretend they don’t affect you, or that somehow you are not that sensitive. Maybe you are not. From what I have seen, some people can cause others a great deal of pain (I am not talking natural things like death). I am talking about deliberate actions that make other people’s life much harder. Things like tough love, throwing in a deep end, etc. All great, if you are prepared to jump when you see them drowning. Not so great when you watch them struggle and eventually go down. That speaks volumes and I have met people like this in my life.

Depending on a situation, I will protect myself from this. I didn’t use to care that much. After a bit of a struggle I always managed to get out. But something has changed. I won’t be watching silently when others are pushed to drown, and you can bet that I will not let you do that to me. There comes a point in life where enough is enough. You may not know this, but it might be your unlucky day. Or the first day of a very long streak of events that will make you realise and remember that you messed with the wrong people. The concept of karma is a familiar one to you. I hope it is.

Page 6

I may have been too optimistic. I am trying not to say naive and gullible, but it almost feels like this to some degree. That is fine, shit happens. I fall, I get up and I move further. No big deal. Nothing to see here. Actually, there is a lot to unpack here. It is a learning experience, and there’s nothing wrong when initially everything seems to be perfect and I tend to accept things as they seem to be. But only to a point. The point is when I realise that there’s a lots of lies and manipulation around. I don’t see it initially, but once I start seeing it, I will be testing, prodding and this is usually the moment when I start to collect evidence. This is also when I start to be a bit more diligent about it and I try to separate emotions from facts. Yes, it is subjective, but such is life. The more evidence and contradictions I encounter, the more lies I notice, the harder it will be to rebuild the trust. I’d say that depending on the type of relationship (we’re talking work and professional relationship here), it might be hard for the culprits to convince me otherwise.

We reached the point, where based on the facts I have started to keep my exchanges on a professional level, with only minimal and very transactional approach. Anything else above this, depending on the context, is a waste of time and energy. The fewer meaningless exchanges, the better. I have no time for that, and the only time I have is the time I get paid for. That’s as simple as this. No more overtime, spewing my guts hoping that somehow magically things will get better. They won’t, and if they do, I won’t be here to experience that. Life is too short. Everyone else will learn this, or they already know and hopefully they’re better at protecting themselves as well. As I said, we all have just one life, and it is too short for all this nonsense.

At this point, I am in emergency mode, where I am doing everything I can to protect my mental and physical health - nobody else will. I won’t be yet another victim in this shitshow. I have done this a few times in my life. It always was a mistake and I regretted it all every single time. I don’t see why this time it would be different.

None of this is doom and gloom thinking. I have gone through a lot of stuff, so knowing exactly what I am dealing with and how I can resolve it is extremely empowering and liberating. Even if it is a bit of a slog with smoke and mirrors. It seems we all want something out of this. The rules of the game are a little bit different, and so are the endgame criteria. But this time, I am well aware of that, and the best bit is that I am in charge of setting the rules. Let’s play!

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This has been a rough day. Last week I thought I had it all sussed out, but a few days later I can see that I should not be cleaning up someone else’s mess, because I already know it will only set myself up for a failure. There is no way I can make things better, especially when people who create the current mess knowingly. There might be something else here at play, and if it is not obvious what that is, let me say it here: quick profit, cashing out quickly no matter the cost. And the cost is steep. So called human capital, also known as resources (because it perhaps stings less when people are represented as mere numbers). I am one of those right now, I am not feeling great about it, but I feel that my job here is almost done. The main thing is to do this: CTFDAF - and no more that this.

Page 4

I cannot remember without checking my notes, but I have been experiencing a lot of challenges lately. There are many reasons for this.

There are days when I cannot stop thinking about what I can do next. I am both excited and exhausted. I don’t notice the excitement at first, as there is none. But it is never as simple as this. Sometimes the excitement doesn’t happen at all. When it happens, it is often the last stage. The first stage is a combination of various emotions: frustration, pain, disappointment, and many more. All these emotions that we call negative and undesired. I don’t desire them; I don’t invite them, they just happen based on what is going on around me. They come, they go, morph into something different. I don’t judge that. It just is this way. Sure, it is very easy for me to get entangled in this whole messy process, and I often try to solve, address, resolve, help, etc. The results vary.

Between these two states, there is this curious gap. I don’t always notice it, but when I do, I allow for it to grow and expand. I feel that the bigger the gap, the better the outcome - my understanding and my experience. Without judging here, it could be positive or negative. What matters here is the process when the thinking happens - I am not sure it is always a conscious thing for me.

I don’t think it is a condition - if it is, great! If it is not, great as well; it is just how I am and how I process the information about the world around me.

The thing here is that when I am this excited, I can hear my own heart beating. I don’t want to admit it out loud, as it then ends up in a chat about heart attack, high blood pressure and the funeral arrangements that nobody is willing to deal with just yet. You can probably imagine - César is not best pleased when I mention that it’s funny to hear my own heartbeat. Let’s say it clearly here: I want to deal (I truly do) with this whole situation before it deals with me. There are still many things I believe I can do, and I will try them. And of course, I have my doubts; I don’t always see the point. I don’t want an easy way out, but at the same time, I will protect myself, as I’m not ready to give up yet.